hot damn

I was cleaning the basement today
well, sorting, really
categorizing my VOGUES and my GQs
year, month, you know
dewey decimal

boxes of shit
I forgot I had
I'm a collector, you see
nothing in particular
just anything
when I want to clean -
I get a box
and put anything I need out of my sight
in the box
and then the box
goes to the basement
shipping and receiving, if you will

so tonight box by box
threw away tons of shit
brochures, programs
unopened junk mail
college catalogs
army recruit mail

remember that?
senior year
every fucking day
sargeant whoever
voicemail after voicemail
and if you were unfortunate enough
to be home and pick up
holy shit
he tried to tell me theres a career
for moi
as an interior designer
in the United States Air Force.
what, Air Force One?

and let me guess -
you'll pay for school?

prick

so the marine bumper stickers
and the army lanyards
and the air force plate holder
and the navy squishy stress relieving seal
are getting burned
tomorrow at high noon

if it doesn't rain.

oh boy kids
the shit I found
hot damn!
the my fair lady lost set designs
thought I lost them
not like it matters
those designs never made the final cut
because we were shading bricks
for 4 weeks
where was the time for a wall of books
to be dropped from the heavens
to make the audience applaud?
hmmm?

what else
oh!! The Talented Mr. Ripley tape
that I knew I had
remember Lauren?
when you swore you would marry Jude Law?
and were on a quest
to see every movie he was in?
and I said I had The Talented Mr. Ripley
but couldn't find it
so you bought your own??
remember?
well

I found it.

I also found an old Issue of GQ
with our Jude on the cover
Lauren will threaten my life for it
won't you dear?
It was around the time of Cold Mountain.

Oh!! And now since I'm into reading -
I finished the Da Vinci code!!
- I found a book I bought 3 years ago
that I always wanted to read
so now, after Angels and Demons,
which is by the Da Vinci guy
I will be reading it
which is good, b/c the guy just wrote
another book
Jonathan Safran Foer
Everything is Illuminated

Is It? IS IT?

Oh what else what else
Porn
Lost porn too
forgot I had that porn
straight porn
you know where that is now?
in the box with the navy squishy seal

It was out of sequence too
like normally my porn
has it's designated hiding spot
(LIKE ABOVE THE CEILING TILES!)
but this porn was right by
the My Fair Lady program
and Everything is Illuminated
same box
who knew?

oh, porn
why is porn taboo?
I like porn, I'll say it
and everyone else does too
and they should say it
don't hide it
put it on your coffee table
let others partake in your porn
b/c your porn
should be everyone's porn

so if anyone wants a Playboy
from 1999, speak now
before it gets burned
b/c as you know
my porn is your porn
every porn is sacred

I mean, obviously
we're comfortable enough
to abbreviate the word
so whats the problem here?

I found my diploma
senior night program
incidently, that program
is in the same box
with the porn, seal, and bumper sticker

can you tell this box
was sooo right after I graduated?
and my room was a mess
and I needed change!!
I needed to get zen with it
so I dumped my drawers in a box
shipping and receiving

when you write like this
posts get LOOONG

I like Hayden Christensen
you know - Anakin Skywalker
and everyone says he's a bad actor
b/c they've only seen him in Star Wars
as if Star Wars was an avenue to showcase talent
whatever
watch Life as a House and then see who can act
the man is really brilliant
and absolutely gorgeous

and now theres a picture
of him in GQ
shirtless and covered in mud
oh god oh god
I can't cope

ok, time to end
well, wait
should I tell them?
ok, I'll tell them
I, not like you probably care -
I had ultrasounds today
Dr. Zorders
3 hours of ultrasounds
they took pictures of
EVERYTHING!
Christ!
and not even a bathroom break.
and I thought it would be easy
ok, I'm changing styles here, bear with me cause I decided I have a lot to say and this post will get like a mile long. Ok, so ultrasounds. Yes. Incidently, back to registration, back to Race for the Cure, I'm still singing. God help us. More on that later

Ok, so I figured, cause I wasn't quite sure, that it would be very laid back, you know, dim lighting, gown, warm jelly, that sort of thing. Turn and cough. wait, No, not that. I didn't know that it was patient participation day at Berwick Hospital Radiology. They had me breathing and holding, breathing and releasing, clench this, tighten that, stick that out, pull that in, get that out of the way, hold it, just a little longer, release, left foot on yellow, right head on orange. And then we started the positions. "Ok, turn on your side, no your other side, I need the left kidney, not the right one!" testy bitch. So to do that, I needed to balance my lower half in order not to tumble. so I have my leg bent kind of like a kick stand. Not good enough for Susan. "Straighten that leg out!" So you can see my Kidney better? well, I did what the bitch told me to do. so I feel myself going, I'm gonna fall flat on my face. And then "Deep breath and hold it" so I'm trying to balance myself while breathing and holding it. It was like Ultrasound Yoga. She ultrasounded my whole liver while I was in the downward facing dog position. My gall bladder from Salute the sun. I never was put through such a rigorous workout in my life. I'm sore.

Cause I know you all care so much about my medical excursions. Oh well, it's my blog.

and you'll be happy to know, this time:

I wore underwear.
.
.
.
.
.
But forgot pants.

oh merde.