# 82

I knew this would happen
I tried
We tried
didn't we?

nothings changed
yet I feel so miserable

its only different
if we allow it to be

don't cry
I can't bear it

No
me being selfish
cry
go ahead
just don't let me see it

Instincts
are there for a reason

must trust them

it's 3 AM

What could be so bad
about living in an Ashram
on the outskirts of Calcutta?

No, I'm not drunk

I'm just randomly musing
at 3 am

I'm watching Casablanca

it's a good movie

I'm all about old movies lately
Sunset Boulevard I've watched
about 10 times in the past month

"You know what you need? A pearl.
A Big luscious pearl"

Norma Desmond
calls pearls "luscious"
I like the word luscious

Luscious Ashram

sounds like a Hindu porn star.

Lauren and I
are going to go to Tanzania
and rescue little cheetah pups
or cubs
or kittens
whatever the fuck they're called
when they're small.

We're going to go on sort of
a soul searching, finding our
spirits sort of jaunt
through the African jungle.

Apparently she thinks my spirit
is lost somewhere in the Masai Mara

and all this time I thought
it was lost somewhere on the second floor
mens european designers at Barney's.

Ok, maybe part of my soul is laying
undiscovered somewhere on the dark continent
but I am almost positive the other half
is amongst the Balenciaga sport coats.

All this started when I said
"Hey, lets go away someplace cool."
and suddenly shes telling me
we should go work on some
lamb farm in the middle of Israel.
what is it called again, Lauren?
A sitzprobe? A zygote?

It's not an Ashram.
for an Ashram is a Hindu religious retreat
found all over India.

if I was an American living in India
I would open a chain of chicken tika stands
called Ashram Amali's
just for kicks.

I told Lauren I really wanted
to go to Africa next year
and she suggested going for a week
on some retreat
to care for baby cheetahs
which sounds darling, really.
But I was thinking more along the lines
of a luxury cruise along the Nile
with 6 course meals and hotel rooms
that overlook the pyramids.

This is where we differ, I suppose.

I guess one could find harmony and inner balance
amongst the cheetahs
which I believe, according to Mark
who was amongst cheetahs for a very short while
in South Africa,
you have to always be lower
than the cheetah
but he didn't say what happened
if you were higher than the cheetah

apparently if you're too high
they get threatened.

so I imagine myself in Africa
in the blistering heat
covered head to toe in khaki
searching for my spirit
while crawling around on my stomach
in fear I may get to high
and get mauled by a cheetah
humorously named Mufasa.

well, on second thought
as long as they'll pay for airfare...

"you must remember this
a kiss is just a kiss
a sigh is just a sigh."

Aww, Casablanca.
perfect movie.

Lazy

Today was a very lazy day
the kids were here
since Thursday

my mom and bill
took them to the movies today
which left me alone

I watched The Absolutely Fabulous
marathon on the BBC

I love the BBC.

I cleaned my room
organized more drawers
found more lost shit
lost more found shit

basically all in the quest
of one CD
with lots of pictures on it
that I'd like to share with you

I didn't find it.

I did remodel the blog though
I redecorated for Christmas
I call this template: Holiday Chic

I ate nothing but steamed vegetables
and chocolate all day long

I think thats an equal balance
of good and evil

I want to get a counter
for this blog
to track how many people
actually visit in a day

I have my guesses
but since no one leaves a fucking comment
how am I to know??

Is it so much to ask?
click COMMENTS
choose other
type your name
and COMMENT
save and voila!

you've sent me an email
that says
"YOUR NAME" has just posted
a comment on I'm Beautiful Dammit

and I rejoice with exceeding great joy

now speaking of that
I can't help but reminisce
if we were still in high school
and Pesta still ran the chorus
we'd be in Disney World right now.

I listened to the Candlelight Processional CD
all week long while decorating.

I'm fucking sick of it,
but it really is superb.

Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving
you gorgeous humans.

I'm thankful for having
a wonderful group of friends

who especially take time
out of their lives
to come read about mine.

Friends who care.

I love you all.

O K L A H O M A

trimming the tree today
flipped through the video cabinet
needed something to watch
found Oklahoma, from Jr. year.
had to put it in.
just had to.

I think of all the things I've ever done
thus far, in my short life -
I may possibly have some of my best memories
from Oklahoma

the whole lot of us
onstage just trying to get to the end
which we never even rehearsed
and of all the shows I've done
I have never experienced backstage drama
quite like that.

every night there were at least 7 people
ready to quit.
I was ALWAYS one of them
Mark Lehnowsky, god love him
ignored the drama
and just worked on his accent in the prop room
I admired him
and I wished I had an accent to practice

I remember the long nights
in Liz Bachs dance room at her house
the room had no heat,
and it was the middle of February
and the mirrors
made my ass look FABULOUS
choreographing the DREAM BALLET
I wanted so much for Liz to OK my idea
to turn the fight between Jud and Curly
into a futuristic MATRIX-like battle
where it would go slow-mo and I would be
on invisible cables
that would allow me to fly through the air
like Zhang Ziyi in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
twisting and flipping and somersaulting

Would you believe she said no???

The lights - were so bad
everytime I walked onstage the backdrop
was lit like a rainbow
and I felt like Dorothy
in the Wizard of Oz.

We had no fields of corn.
Oh, we intended for there to be.
but like all of my set designs,
it got cut b/c I procrastinate.

I remember the Elixir of Egypt prop
was a bottle of my Lalique Perfume
that I threatened the lives of
everyone in the show
if one drop was lost,
I'd use them all as scarecrows
impaled on an antique farm tool.

Lizzy became Gen. Eisenhower
rallying her troops to battle
informing us if we got through it
there'd be a round of Purple Hearts
for all.

And my darling
during the ballet
lost her skirt
I can't remember if it was my fault or not
but I will say I was not to blame
for making it an elastic waist
which basically screams
"RIP ME OFF"
but she danced onward
in her underwear.
she was an inspiration to us all.

I went home and shaved my legs.

and my Nicole
who fed me lyrics every night
anyone who knows me knows
I'm a complete failure at lyrics
except Sondheim. Never Sondheim.
I have them all memorized already.

and Kelly -
well, what can I say?
The Hussy!

hidely-ho ho ho

we have new neighbors
next door
they've been moving in
for the past week

I have seen so many fucking UHauls
in their driveway -
how much shit could you own?

the house is not that big!

now as for who they are,
I have no idea
and let me just say
that I do not come from the type of family
that will appear on your doorstep
with a tin full of Oatmeal raisin cookies.

fuck that. Buy your own god damn cookies

you come see me, How about that?

And the one time we tried that
about 15 years ago,
it ended in court.

My father was a very nice man.
he had more friends than I will ever have
and twice more than I would ever want,
come to think of it.
But you didn't want to cross him.
Fiery Italian.

So I was putting up Christmas lights
all day yesterday
and they never once came over
and I'll fucking play in traffic
before I go over there.

We used to have wonderful neighbors.
We all got along.
then one by one, for one reason or another,
death, retirement, divorce, mid-life-crisis
they all began to leave the village.

My family has had all of that except the divorce
and we're still fucking here.
It's not that bad here.
it's very beautiful and charming
and if you stick around through Christmas,
I light up the whole god-damn mountain
with enough mini lights to make the Griswolds jealous.

The house across the street
could sit in their front parlor
at 9pm and not have to use one light of their own
as long as they open their curtains.
Now if thats not Christmas kindness
then I don't know what is.

a walking coma

go thee hence forth, boy
and fetch me those dangling apricots.

nothing like a little Olde English
to inspire a creative mood.

ah, Shakespeare.

the besplendent grassy chassie
the lesbian bishop
the girl with the ho
Richard II at Marymount
funny I don't recall those things

I'm on 2 hours sleep
I'm trying to keep moving

I've alotted myself merely 10 minutes
to compose this entry
any longer and I fear I'll pass out

lots to do, Christmas is almost here
and nothing is ready.
I have a duty
to bedeck my halls
and trip the light FANtastic
by Thanksgiving.

Will he be able to do it?
he says in his news anchor voice.

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What the?

oh sorry, I think I dozed off.

maybe I should just doze off.
or is it daze off?
Happy Daze.

St. Tropez

Today is Veterans Day
Apparently the Veterans complained
and they changed it from Monday
to Friday
apparently Mondays aren't good for them?
I mean they're up by 5am anyway -
whats the problem?

I was expecting something important
in the mail today

but then after 2 hours of waiting for the
mailman, who I assumed was late

I decided to investigate
and discovered today was a holiday.

President Bush today
at Tobyhana
interrupted the Showcase Showdown
on the Price is Right
and spoke for 45 minutes

which could possibly be a record
normally his speech writers like to keep it simple
I mean lets face it, a speech with words
longer than 8 letters can get boring
and redundant awfully fast

but today they felt he was up to a challenge.
lucky us.
Wretched human being.

Margaret Cho says:

"People are comparing George Bush to Hitler.
George Bush is NOT Hitler.
He would be if he applied himself."

You go girl.

On the front cover of the Times today
there is the face of a 104 year old man
one of the few who remain from WW1.

No mention of his health.
I hope he's healthy.
I do not want to live to be 104.
I want to live long enough to
make an enormous amount of money
pay off all my loans
buy my mother everything she deserves
retire with millions in the bank
and 20 years to enjoy it
and then die at my home in St. Tropez
with my 3 French Bulldogs
named Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.
But I'll call Santa Maria "Mary" for short.

I know, I know what you're thinking -
Those are Spanish names and the bulldogs are French
but I'll be rich so I can do whatever I want.

I visited my grandparents this morning
I brought them fresh produce from the Reading Terminal Marketplace
my new favorite spot in Philadelphia.
3rd largest Farmers Market
3 blocks from my apartment woohoo!
anyway, my Grandfather partook in D-Day.
he rarely talks about it
but I did manage to get him talking about it a few years ago
for a project from Mrs. Hubbard.
and I know I'll thank her in 20 years for that
because I got it all on tape.

So valuable to me,
I have it in a safety deposit box.

if you see a Veteran today, tell him "Thanks."

I was going to devote today's entry
entirely to my run in with a black bear last night
but I'll save that for a rainy day.
when I have the time to make it humorous.

dona nobis pacem

Me in Christ Church, 2nd and Market Street, Old City Philadelphia

Sunday

I made tomato sauce today
and hung Christmas lights

Big display planned this year
thousands and thousands of lights
gotta get an early start.

now here I sit, procrastinating.
I should be packed and on the road by now
halfway down the turnpike

oh well.

last week was greuling,
I think part of me does not want to go back

well, duh.

my beauty regimen
is now strictly Lancome
thanks to Deirdre

we saw Urinetown last night
at Wyoming Sem
then went out with the Winarskis
it was nice.

Paul wants me to read
Raphael Danceny
in les Liaisons Dangereuse
for a reading coming up
in a few weeks

then he'll look into finding a theatre.

I love Dangerous Liaisons.
I love Cruel Intentions.

what fun it will be!

alright, I need to find tickets
to see Patti on Broadway
in Sweeney Todd.

can't believe it's already over a year
since I did Sweeney.

and this month marks a year for Laramie Project.

I miss both of those shows.

Take Cover

in Arsenic
one night the ropes
were improperly set

I went to pull them down
and they did not come

shit

I need to tie Jeff up in 4 seconds
and I have no rope

oh god oh god oh god

The Tablecloth!

Tada!

Where does the energy
to cover onstage come from?

We can never do it as quickly
when no pressure is involved.

what forces take over?

I love a good stage mishap story
don't you?

wanna hear my favorite?

Kelly, pay attention:

my good friend Jimmy
who was my salvation during the Laramie Project
(wanna talk about a downer of a show?)
told me this story one night at Perkins
after a particularly harrowing rehearsal

Jimmy was seeing a performance of West Side Story
a few years back.
it was near the end, near the very climax
of the show. Chino comes out
and he and Tony get into a fight
now Chino is supposed to shoot and kill Tony.

But Chino forgets something.
Chino does not have the revolver.

So quick thinking Chino in a one flash
rips off his boot and screams
"THIS IS A POISON TIPPED BOOT!"
and slams it into Tony's chest

well, that takes care of that.
but Maria comes onstage
and finds Tony dead.
Now this is the part where Maria
is supposed to pick up the revolver
and say her famous "How many bullets
are left in this gun Chino? Enough to kill you? Enough to kill you??
and still have one left for me?"
As she's pointing the gun at everyone onstage

well, there is only one thing left for Maria to do.

She grabs the boot and proceeds:

"How much poison is left in this boot, Chino?
Enough for you? Enough for you?"

The audience is left speechless.

Runaway

SEPTA is on strike
so now I must walk
an hour and 10 minutes
to get to my car

fucking SEPTA.

Saw Adrift in Macao this week
at the Phila Theatre Co.
Loved it.
Pardoy of Film Noir.
How perfect?

Halloween seems to get
earlier and earlier
every year.

Why can't kids just trick or treat
on Halloween?
Is that such a hard concept?
Instead you have each community
designating their own Halloween night.

it's silly, if you ask me.

Do we celebrate Christmas on Labor Day?
I rest my case.

The big news of course
would be Saffy.

She ran away last Thursday.
And we could not find her.
so 2 days went by and we placed the ads
and made the flyers.

And finally Tuesday night
someone out at the Lake called us.
She's a Vet Tech and picked up
a lost and confused Saffy.

What a dog. Honestly.
Thank God she's Dawn's.

I'm sitting here at 730 in the morning
because I realized after I showered
and got dressed
that my clock in my room was not set back
so I have an hour to spare before I go to work
which sounds like fun,
but I'd rather have slept.

Kelly, I miss you terribly.
And this will always be your home.
But while we're on the subject...
where is your NEW home?