What would you grab in a fire?

my hair straightener
my jewelry box
my picture box
and a bottle of CREED
and if my arms could carry them:
as many pairs of Gucci shoes as possible.

How about you??

Procrastination

is my biggest threat

Dan Brown
contributes

Angels and Demons
I can't put it down

cramming assignments due in seconds
result

all i can think about
is finishing that book

also

just closing my eyes
sheer exhaustion

and I don't know why

tired all the time lately
maybe mono is back

could be

must be

get off my mind

you annoy me
and i can't place why

i don't forget, you know
some things stay with us

maybe you have never been called fag
sorry for you
maybe you should feel that

i'd like you to feel that

to my face you said it
i'm not transparent

son of a preacher man

you made me feel inadequate
shame on you

i should hate you for that
but i don't

you simply annoy me

tell me, what star wars character
did you go dressed as
because I know you were there
it's not confirmed
but you wouldn't miss it

your sad little world
religion
politics
bigotry

annihilate if they don't see it your way.
right?

yours is the true
the divine

well, then fine
have it your way

i'm the damned
the condemned
the sinner
the democrat
the underachiever
the faggot

i hope there are two heavens

one for you
and one for me

with the same god
the loving god

because if you're in my heaven

buy me a ticket to hell

back

sometimes
i try to force funny
true

like now
i stared at the screen
15 minutes passed
i decided to concede

i'm not funny right now

i'm sorry
this gift
of funny
is not always here

it vacations
like the best of us

my funny
probably vacations in Europe
Prague

not a funny city, Prague
funny would want to be able to relax
can't relax
in albuquerque
too funny
that name

i feel like the boy
who lost his shadow
peter pan, was it?
no, i won't call myself peter pan
too micheal jackson
for my liking

besides
i'm more wendy, anyway

lately
religion
always thinking about it
don't know why
thought I buried the hatchet

3 years gone
regained my sunday mornings
hiked up my sleep quota

bad priest
bad man
liar
son of a bitch
motherfucker

made me hate
a holy man
instilled hate
in me

if i died tomorrow
i'd go to hell
or so i was taught

3 years gone
never confessed

blame him
i do
all the time

then again
whats to say
man may not lie down with mankind

damned if I do

god doesn't hate
sorry
capital G
God does not hate

jesus freaks
tell me otherwise
fuck off

guess our gods
are different

my god loves me
you think yours hates you

not my fault

get your fucking pamphlet
out of my face

knock somewhere else
no solicitation

assholes

buddha
allah
yahweh
Ganesh

all the same

God manifests
differently
just depends on where
you live

we all believe in the same god
we just don't realize it

so yeah, I guess I do believe
of course I believe

I just want to believe my own way
not yours
not his
certainly not theirs

i said i'd come back
just needed time
room, space
a breather

think it over
pros and cons

question devotion
commitment

maybe i'm ready now

but my views have changed

and they're not like yours
they're mine

so wheres my church?

Dough

Pizza.
What an idea that turned out to be.
the people responsible for pizza
must be rolling in dough.

Tony noms came out today
Carla Gugino was not nominated
I thought she would be
she was brilliant in After the Fall.
The show was whack
but she was fab.

I fucking hope Spamalot doesn't win
even though I bought the cast album today
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, too.

I need to see that and Spelling Bee and Doubt
before June 5th.

I want the Light in the Piazza
to win everything.

And my Santo got nominated!!
for Glengarry Glen Ross
Santo Loquasto
my best friend
he sent me a thank you card
thanking me for my congratulations card
that I sent him when he was inducted
into the Theatre Hall of Fame.

he's the best.
famous friends, famous friends.
when I first met Santo
he was talking on his cell phone
to Woody Allen.

Whoa.

oh momma

mums day
went to eat
I had salmon Oscar
I didn't know why
it was called salmon oscar
but I took a chance

oscar, apparently
stands for smothered in Hollandaise
which is a sauce.
I thought it was a country.
what do I know?

anyway, I'm not for trying new things
most of you know that
Hollandaise is a sauce is a condiment
a rose is a rose is a rose

the waitress forgot my soup

gram sat next to me
bitched the whole time about how
I made her get the lobser
which was 48 dollars
b/c I knew she wouldn't order it
b/c shes too practical for a $48 shellfish
so I ordered for her

"it could have been done just a minute longer"

my gram
is obsessed
with the Runaway bride
I told her I could care less
it was a semi hint
to say
"I have no interest in this approaching discussion"
gram presses on
20 minutes later
we've finished talking
about the Runaway bride

Gram thinks the bridesmaids
should send the bill
for their dresses to
the Runaway Bride

I still could care less

Orlando Bloom
has a new movie
I need to see it.
Orlando
If I could have his abs
I would give every shoe I own
to the Salvation Army

Mark and I
are going to write a musical
this summer
or at least try
he's going to write the music
b/c I can't
and I'm going to write
the fabulous hilarious witty
script
b/c he can't

and it's going to be
The Best Musical Ever Written
which is actually quite easy
especially when you titled it that

I think
I might turn
the Trunkles
into a script
Maggie Trunkle
she's quite
endearing
as Lauren once put it

does
it
annoy
you
when
I
write
like
this
?

makeup and cigarettes

so it's been confirmed:

Mark Lehnowsky
Donna Goobic
Mark Boberick
in

ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

July 14.15.16.22.23.24
CARVER HALL
BLOOMSBURG UNIVERSITY
2ND FLOOR

Now, here's a tidbit.
I have never played a villain
and now I'm playing one.
I was to be Mortimer
the romantic lead
but things change
people change
and I was changed
to Jonathan, the evil brother
who looks like Boris Karloff



Holy Makeup Batman.
I need to look like that.
And I get to smoke onstage
oooooh

Last time I smoked onstage was about a year ago
HOMOPHILIA
the part was written for me
my good friend Dena
USP
one night only
world premiere
I make it sound glamorous
really - it was in a tent
I played a flamboyant gay best friend
who discovers that his friends father
is really a cross dresser
who performs nightly
and I smoked like a fiend
it was fabulous
Dena taught me how.
Ok, ok, so it wasn't written for me
persay

I chose Camel Crema
because the box was tin, not paper
I wanted my first pack to be special
and 2 dollars more than every other pack

but this was for the sake of art

now today, I was cleaning out my trunk
and I found that pack of Cremas
now going on over a year old

and know what I did?

I went out by the pool and lit one up

I got no pleasure out of it
I felt horrible about it
just awful

now, incidently
in Homophilia, I also was scripted
to make out with a woman
to make her aware of how wonderful
a kisser I was

now, most of you will recall
that I had mono during my second semester
and so there was no making out
my back was to the audience and I just gyrated my hips
our faces were next to each other
old theatre trick
I knew it well

It felt like Tom Sawyer all over again
6th grade
kissing was taboo
cooties
holy shit
me and K.O.
The lights went black just before the lips locked
thank god

I liked HOMOPHILIA
She really did a great job
it was very personal to her - Dena
I wonder if she's reading this
I miss you Dena
and I want the second act!!

you see, Dena wrote it as a one act
but I really felt it should get
a sequel second act
the ending was phenom

I told her
when you write it
I will come
from wherever I may be
the offer still stands

I recently found the script
while cleaning
neat fun
good times

So I need to figure out
how to make myself
look like Boris
now, he was the original
Frankenstein
and some say
after 5 shots of Jager,
I'm the original
Cyndi Lauper
so you can see
the part is meant for me.

I must send my love to Jes,
who's reading at home.
Lovely to hear from you
I need to see that baby
Madonna and child

05|05|05

cool date
watchin TROY
finishing FAFSA
motherfuckin' FAFSA
Orlando Bloom
Holy Abs
Brad Pitt
looks old
too much sun
maybe it was CLARINS
I could have been a Trojan

Something is up with my DVD player
it keeps randomly sending me subtitles
in English
I don't understand it

Hey! Kelly called me
she told me she'd keep me posted
on where she was going
her last day at Regis was May 2nd
now she's at the Parlor in South WB
thank god, cause I need a cuttin'

So Paula Abdul
supposedly
key word
had sex with one of the contestants
now it's a big SCANDAL!!
ooo, someone had sex
and she bought him things
who looks the worst in this?
him or her?
not her, she just had sex
human trait
he's the one calling MSNBC.
he's a dick

And The Runaway Bride
yesterday I was in Barnes and Noble
reading, peacefully
a book on TOM FORD,
I read it everytime I'm there.
it's $142, think I'm buyin' it?
I'd rather buy shoes
anyway, so there I was
on the chair
TOM FORD on my lap
and this girl comes up
"Would you answer the question of the week?"
she was from the Voice
had a camera and Tina Fey glasses
"sure"
"Do you think the Runaway Bride should be charged with anything?"
"Why? It was a great movie."
truth be told, this story
does not interest me
what happened to real news??

I have no desire to read the paper
or watch the news
b/c I know what I'm going to hear
bullshit
deaths in Iraq, more car bombings
and then bullshit
so she was afraid of marriage?
why do I, 1500 miles away,
have to care??

And Paula?
I don't care about that either.

I'm Beautiful, Dammit

"That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!"

"This is the Divine Miss M
and I'm here to share with you some rare
and stimulating insight into my cosmic fabulosity.
It's really very simple. I smiply believe with all my heart:"

I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, so beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!

"Go away, little girl," they used to say.
"Hey, you're too fat, baby, you can't play."
"Hold on, miss thing, what you trying to do?
You know you're too wack to be in our school."

Too wack, too smart, too fast, too fine,
too loud, too tough, too too divine.
I said you don't belong. You don't belong.
Too loud, too big, too much to bear,
too bold, too brash, too prone to swear.
I heard that song for much too long.

Ain't this my sun? Ain't this my moon?
Ain't this my world to be who I choose?
Ain't this my song? Ain't this my movie?
Ain't this my world? I know I can do it.

I'm not too short, I'm not too tall,
I'm not too big, I'm not too small.
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
I'm not too white, I'm not too black,
I'm not too this, I'm not too that.
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!

I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, dammit!

It's time to call it what it is. Don't play the naming game.
Become what you were born to be and be it unashamed.
"Go away, little boy," I can hear them say,
"Everybody on the block says they think you're gay.
Hold on, my friend, do you think we're blind?
Take a look at yourself. You're not our kind."

Too black, too white, too short, too tall,
too big, too green, too red, too small.
I said you don't belong. You don't belong.
Too black, too white, too short, too tall,
too blue, too green, too red, too small.
I heard that song for much to long.

Ain't this my sun? Ain't this my moon?
Ain't this my world to be who I choose?
Ain't this my song? Ain't this my movie?
Ain't this my world? I know I can do it.

People always ask me,
"Miss M, how did you get so far
on so little?" Shut up!
Well, I woke up one morning,
flossed my teeth and decided,
"Damn, I'm fierce!" You look good!
You can be just like me! A goddess? Yeah!
Don't just pussy foot around and sit on your assets.
Unleash your ferocity upon an unsuspecting world.
Rise up and repeat after me: "I'm beautiful!"

I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful!
Can you say that?
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful!
I don't hear you!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful!
Louder!
I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful!
Hey!

That's it, baby, when you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Aaaaaah!
Ain't this my sun? My sun! Ain't this my moon? My moon!
Ain't this my world to be who I choose?
Ain't this our song? Ain't this our song?
Ain't this our movie? Ain't this our movie?
Ain't this our world to be who we choose?

I'm not too short, I'm not too tall,
I'm not too big, I'm not too small.
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
I'm not too white, I'm not too black,
I'm not too this, I'm not too that.
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
Ooh, don't lemme start lovin' myself!
I'm beautiful, dammit!

quatro de Mayo

How long has it been
since I've seen Danielle?
Christmas, I think
so 5 months.

We met today
for dinner
Stax & Co.
Caught up on news
relived old times

discussed marriage
not to one another
but in general
we both realized
that marriage is now
a possibility for all of us
we're at the age now
HOW SCARY IS THAT?

Danielle wore the heels
I bought her in Cleveland
Remember? Chorus trip
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame??
She looked Fab.
So did I, if I may.
I was bronzed to the hilt
every hair in place
had to look good
for my Danielle

I asked for the dessert tray
like I needed more calories
my ass is enormous

incidently, on the same trip
that Danielle got her heels -
I bought myself a pair
of linen pants
same store
Banana Republic
they were not on sale

I dont fit in them anymore
I took the time to iron them
ironing linen - no walk in the park
after I was done ironing
I went to put them on
and
they don't fit anymore

Mark needs to downsize
everything
I'm not opposed to Plastic Surgery
let me state this now
but I think 20
is a little young for lipo
but if it wasn't
Dr. Collini would be getting a call

Plastic Surgery
theres a topic
some people are totally against
I'm not
If it makes you feel better
GO FOR IT

Now, I've said this before
though not on here, or have I?
anyway - the sun
theres one area where I love to be fake
if you see me
I'm tan
not black
but tan
it's FAKE
I don't like the sun
the sun kills you
and recently my cousin got melanoma
and he was very lucky
we were praying
for a very long time
tests came back
they got it all
or so they've said
it might come back
he tanned 3 times a week all year long
ridiculous
he had it coming
I say that not to be mean, but to be factual

I wear sunscreen daily
Murad Pomegranate moisturizer
with SPF 15

I tan 3 times a week too
CLARINS self tanning milk
auto-bronzant
oui
I am not ashamed
of my fake tan
pale skin doesn't suit me
And this fake shit is expensive
but at least I know I won't die of SKIN cancer

please, wear sunscreen.
stave off wrinkles

Deadwood
what a fucked up show
Michael K loves it
I'm not sure
what the fuss is all about
but the show looks fabulous
design wise, I mean
awesome
HBO
what a budget

Queer As Folk
now there's a show
OZ
that's drama, kids.
Murder, She Wrote -
don't get me started
LOVE IT!
that was a show too
Sex and the City
Danielle shares the passion

Mark is writing me a song
for Race for the Cure
Provided I find or write the lyrics
fuck
theres always a catch

yeah, I'll let you know how I make out
on that one.

In other news,
today, I bought a mug.

Email from a Diva

Patti LuPone totally just responded to my email.

I can't speak.

I heard the voice

It was Cher saying:

"You've Got Mail, Babe!"

I clicked and it said:

divaspeak@pattilupone.net RE: Patti!

I fainted.

And when I came to,

I read the most beautiful words that
a diva could ever type, pure poetry,
and I could almost feel the vibrato
echoing through every typed character.

Thank You, Patti LuPone. Thank You.

IL DIVO

AMO IL DIVO!!!
Ed amo che il nero ed il bianco legano che Urs sta portando

www.ildivo.com

A Year with the Trunkles

This is a little ditty I wrote about a year ago. It's my little gem, my pride and joy. And so, I want to share it with you. I had an idea to spoof the Christmas Letter. You know, your Aunt Wanda always sends one. Tells you what EVERYONE is doing with their lives and you know you could care less. Well, I thought, "Wouldn't it be fabulous to actually receive a Christmas letter worth while?" And so the Trunkles were born. I hope you love them as much as I do. Pardon the length, maybe one day I'll have it in a new page and link it on the side.

A Year with the Trunkles

December 10th, 2003
Dear Friends:

Where did the year go? It seems like only yesterday that I sat down and wrote last year’s Christmas letter. I just finished putting up the Christmas tree and Bob is outside working on the lights. I keep hearing loud thuds and cursing; I don’t know what he could possibly be having trouble with. Friends, so much has happened in the past year and I know you’re all eagerly awaiting the next Trunkle chapter, so let me start.
Right after New Year’s, our only daughter Poppy married a boy from the neighborhood, Christopher Butts. She had known him for only a month but she felt the sparks. He’s a welder. It was a beautiful wedding in our church, not too big. Bob cried the whole time. He kept saying "Maggie, I just can’t believe our daughter is going to have Butts for her last name, how embarrassing! Poppy Trunkle Butts." But we love Christopher, last name and all! I wish you could have seen Poppy. She looked beautiful in her grandmother’s wedding gown that I had tucked away in my cedar chest. She had her curly red hair in a French twist. Christopher is a very handsome boy. He’s tall and has blonde hair and blue eyes and Poppy just loves him to death. They both looked very happy.
Our youngest son Robbie joined the Navy in late January and was sent to Texas for Boot Camp. He graduated high school in June and worked all summer long and into the fall as a delivery boy for a furniture store. He was talking about joining for a few years, so when he signed up, we weren’t too upset. He seemed very happy. Bob was glad that Robbie decided to go into the service to follow in his footsteps. The other boys began to get sick of hearing how they should have done the same thing every time their father got off the phone with Robbie.
Our other boys, Robert and Bobby, kept busy in January too. Robert started studying Mechanics at the local Community College and is doing very well. He had been working at the downtown Jiffy Lube on the side for about 6 months prior. There was talk of him being promoted, but I didn’t want to jinx anything. Bobby was quite the worker in January. His best friend and he started a snow plowing business. I gave them the idea. It paid them well through the Minnesota winter. Bobby started to date a girl from the neighborhood, Sheila Tackleson. She lives 4 houses down from us in the Community. Bob was happy that she had a normal last name.
It was in February when Bob and I began to plan our new kitchen. We spent the whole month going from home store to home store. He insisted on being a part of the process, but I kept telling him that I’m the one who cooks in it. Bob got promoted at the beer distributor and got Poppy’s new father-in-law a job. Poppy couldn’t stop thanking her father for being so kind to Christopher’s family.
Christopher has a very nice family, and we invited them over for dinner several times after the wedding. Poppy was very happy that she got such wonderful people for her in-laws. Later that month, Poppy told us she was pregnant. I wish you could have seen Bob’s face. He was so happy, but shocked because it had only been 3 weeks since the wedding. I was so excited because I couldn’t wait to have a baby in the family again. Christopher’s mother Charlotte and I began to plan a baby shower for Poppy. Our ideas conflicted. She wanted it in the fire hall; Bob and I thought a more spiritual setting like the church would be better.
February was a slow month for the boys. Robbie began meshing well into the Navy scene. He didn’t call as often as when he first got to the base in Texas. February was another big month for Bobbie and his snow plowing business. Robert did not get the promotion at Jiffy Lube. He was passed over for a guy who they called "The Bone." Robert thought it best not to complain. The Bone was 6 foot 3 and was covered in tattoos from head to toe. He was bald and always wore a Harley Davidson bandana. Bobby started to date Sheila more seriously.
In March, Poppy was told by her doctor that her due date would be October 14th. Bobby was excited because that’s his birthday. Christopher got a second job working night shift 3 days a week at the Winooka Post Office to start saving more money for the baby. Poppy and he were already getting in arguments over the baby’s name. If it was a girl, she wanted to name her Geranium and he wanted to name her Delilah, after his grandmother. For a boy, she wanted Skip and he wanted Bud. After a lot of persuasive arguing on Poppy’s part, he finally grew to like Skip as well. Poppy always was the persuasive type. Bob and I really liked the name Geranium. There was just something about the name Geranium that connected it so well to Poppy’s; we just didn’t quite know what.
Robbie finished boot camp and began calling us often again. He said he hadn’t had the time before with boot camp being so rigorous towards the end. He wasn’t sure if he was going to stay in Texas or be transferred to another base, yet. He hoped to get transferred to someplace that wasn’t so abundant with steak houses.
Robert applied to Harry’s Lube-n-Lunch near St. Paul and got the job. Bob and I were so proud. He started mid-March and quickly grew to like it a lot better than Jiffy Lube. "The Bone" became a lot for Robert to handle after a slight quarrel when he threatened to shove a rather pestiferous looking Allan wrench up his unmentionables. Bob and I supported Robert’s career change. The employees at Harry’s all had under 15 tattoos which Bob and I consider to be a very important defining characteristic.
Bobby and Sheila announced their engagement. I had not expected it, but we were excited! Bobby later told us that Sheila had a daughter from a one-night stand with a trucker from West Virginia. We didn’t take too badly to the news, Bob and I. Not everyone is perfect. Her parents, the Tacklesons, own the largest trailer in the Community and are the most respected members of Chestnut Crest. If their daughter got knocked up by a West Virginian, it just goes to show that she’s human.
April was a sad month for Poppy when her brother Bobby came home and told us his soon to be stepdaughter’s name was Geranium. Apparently Poppy and Christopher had finally agreed on the girl’s name. Poppy started to cry. I tried to console her by telling her that lots of families have two geraniums in their family. She insisted it just wouldn’t be the same. Christopher began to turn their old laundry room into a nursery. They didn’t have enough money for an addition to their trailer, so Poppy decided to sell their washer and dryer and just use ours. We only live 5 lots down. With the money they got from their washer and dryer, they bought a brand-new used Frigidaire! We were happy because ours was really getting full.
Speaking of refrigerators, Bob started ripping out the old cabinets in our kitchen. We decided to do the work ourselves, as we weren’t expecting to have to throw part of a baby shower. Robert said he could borrow the tools we needed from Harry at work.
Robbie was transferred to Okinawa, Japan. His telephone calls were less frequent until he got settled in. But he did say that he was enjoying what he saw of Japan up till then. He said "It’s not like Minnesota, Mom, that’s for sure. The closest thing we have to Japan in Minnesota was an LP of Mr. Roboto and a pour-spout box of Minute Rice!" The first time he called home from Japan I answered, "Hello?" and he said "Ohio!" I said "No, Minnesota. You have the wrong number" and I hung up. I felt like a gosh darn fool when he called back and said "Mom, that was me! O hayo means hello in Japanese!" Isn’t that a hoot?
Bobby and Sheila decided to get a trailer of their own. Now that spring was coming, Bobby wasn’t getting the calls for snow plowing like he did in February. But he’d managed to save a pretty penny for a place for him and Sheila. They found a lovely one-bedroom 1973 silver Airstream on the other side of Chestnut Crest near the elbow of the creek. I wish you could see it. It was a steal, too!
We extended an invitation to the Tacklesons to have a nice old Trunkle family meet and greet and pig roast. Poppy’s in-laws came too. They live 3 lots down from the Tacklesons. It was invitation only, but soon all the families in Chestnut Crest began to drop by. Bob’s pig roasts are famous and smell up the whole Auto Community!
Charlotte Butts and I threw one humdinger of a baby shower! Bob roasted a pig, and all of the wives and daughters in Chestnut Crest were on our flagstone patio playing games like pin the cotton diaper on Mrs. Alistair’s baby and drawing names out of a hat to see who took home the baby bottle centerpieces made entirely out of papier-mâché and sequins. It was lots of fun and I was so proud of myself for not seriously injuring Charlotte Butts. Poppy and Christopher thanked me for that, too!
Friends, I’ll tell you this much: The Trunkles have had better months than May 2003. To start, it turned out that Robert never asked Harry if he could borrow the tools to work on our kitchen. He just took them. Now, what he needed a forklift for, Bob and I will never know. It seemed silly, especially because we already owned one. After getting pulled over by the police on Route 7, Robert was arrested on 2 counts: One for theft of Harry Lebenrooster’s tool box and then Grand Theft Auto for the Forklift. In an attempt to lighten the mood that night at the police station, Bob cracked a joke about why it shouldn’t have been called Grand Theft Auto when there’s nothing grand, nor particularly very auto about a forklift. Later, we were so proud when they made a special charge just for Robert: Grand Theft Forklift. I always told Robert he could make his mark in the judicial system of Minnesota if he wanted to.
Now when I said before about how Bobby and Sheila’s new trailer was a steal, I probably should have stressed that a bit more. Things got worse for us when Bobby was accused of actually stealing the Airstream from a family over in Logan Heights. The neighbors started to chatter about how the Airstream wasn’t there before and how it was moved in late one night and appeared the next morning, two days before Bobby and Sheila moved in. I never ventured over to that part of Chestnut Crest, so I didn’t have any suspicions when they moved there. I thought everything was just lovely.
It was in May that I started the campaign to get the name of our humble neighborhood changed from Chestnut Crest Trailer Park to Chestnut Crest Auto Community. I felt that Trailer Park was degrading. If the cashiers at the Piggly Wiggly were becoming sales technicians, then I thought my cause was justified. We were just as human as any Piggly Wiggly checkout clerk!
We did get some happy news in May, though. Poppy and Christopher found out they were going to have a girl! Geranium was off the list. Poppy and Christopher started to consider Tulip and Pansy. Again, Bob and I thought we noticed a connection but we couldn’t place it. Then it hit us. Poppy and Pansy both started with a "P!"
Well, Bobby was arrested on a theft charge in June. And Bob, trying to lighten yet another dismal situation cracked a joke about how maybe Bobby would get his own charge created for him too. His bail was set for $20,000.
And Robert was placed in jail on $29,000 bail. Bob and I are pleased that at least the boys have each other while behind bars. We didn’t know how we were going to get them out of jail. Poppy sold her Frigidaire, which got us $200. We took the money we were going to use for our kitchen, $700, and put that towards it. Robbie sent over $300 of his service pay. Only $47,800 more to go!
The Tacklesons were very disappointed. They refused to give Sheila anything to help get Bobby out of jail, not a cent! I began to feel ashamed. I was afraid our family had made a bad impression on the ultra classy Tacklesons. I found my mind wandering all the time. "What would little Geranium think of all this once she grew up?" and "Maybe the Tacklesons would come around after another Trunkle Pig Roast." I did my best to keep that cookout discreet. Poppy helped with the cooking. We ended up having it over at Poppy’s because I had no kitchen and the kitchen money went to the bail fund. Poppy made her famous instant mashed potatoes. It was really my recipe, but I let her take the credit because it really impressed Mrs. Butts whenever she and Christopher invited his family over for dinner. The cookout was a success, and the Tacklesons seemed to come around after a loin of pork. Christopher stood guard in the driveway with Bob’s Smith and Wesson just in case a neighbor decided to stop by.
Robbie was surprised to hear of the family’s misfortune. He couldn’t really vouch for Robert’s innocence after the forklift theft. But he brought up a good point about Bobby. He said the other people in the Trailer Park were probably just jealous that they didn’t buy the Airstream before Bobby did. I was horrified! I couldn’t believe what I heard! There I was, fighting for equality right alongside the cashiers from the Piggly Wiggly, and my son, my pride and joy, had just said the words Trailer and Park to me. I began to go into one of my speeches when I heard the loud sound of a glass bottle hitting the floor in Okinawa. I immediately began to think it was an earthquake, or worse, a bomb! I began to hear a lot of words I couldn’t make out. "Something something Sake. Something Sake something." When he came back on the phone he slurred an "I love you" and I heard a dial tone. I wondered what that was all about.
I never was a fan of June.
Bob threw another famous Trunkle Pig Roast on the Fourth of July. We invited most of Chestnut Crest, and about half of those invited came. Apparently, more than a few Chestnut Crest residents were starting to talk about us. Even more shocking, I found out that most of Chestnut Crest didn’t care about equality, the Piggly Wiggly, or Auto Communities! I was beginning to think that other members of the neighborhood might have been cashiers in their lifetime and perhaps maybe they didn’t agree with the Sales Technician title either.
Poppy made her Instant Mashed potatoes again for the cookout, and they were a big hit! I will give her full credit this time. She didn’t use my exact recipe. She added a secret ingredient of her own which she wouldn’t tell me what it was. But the joke is on her because her father got sick that night and there’s only one thing that makes him sick like that – Tabasco sauce. Poppy, dearest, if you’re reading this, Mommy is sorry for spilling the beans on your spicy secret ingredient.
A week after the fourth, when Bob finally returned from the outhouse, he began to look for a second job to gather some more money for our boys, who had now been in jail awaiting bail for 6 weeks. He really loved working at the beer distributor, but it just wasn’t enough to pay the bills and help our boys. They made the best of their time there in jail, bless their hearts. Every time Bob and I would go visit, they would talk about a trip they both decided they were going to take together. Bob and I thought a cross-state vacation was a little ambitious, but we didn’t want to bring their spirits down. We just smiled and said how nice that would be for them both to spend a lot of quality time seeing all that Minnesota has to offer. Bobby showed us a list of all the places they planned to visit. He had them written in ketchup on a napkin. Just reading it made my heart yearn for my traveling years back. The Dairy Museum in Dassel. The World of String in Pequot Lake. It really sounded like fun.
Sheila finally brought little Geranium over for us to see. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t seen her before; she did live with Mr. and Mrs. Tackleson after all. Of course, the Tacklesons really kept to themselves. I would imagine with such a large house, they wouldn’t want to venture outside much. Geranium was going to turn 3 in a month. I didn’t think she looked like Sheila that much. At least not from the front. I could definitely tell she was part West Virginian though.
Sheila began to take Bobby’s arrest really hard. She had been working 70 hours a week at a lovely little diner in Winooka Falls, saving money too. I was elated! As you all know, I was born and raised in Winooka Falls. I later learned that Sheila worked at the same diner where Bob and I had our wedding reception. From her brassiere, she pulled out a wad of cash and threw it onto my kitchen table. I was surprised. I was shocked. Such a display! I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed. I demanded an answer from her. "Sheila!" I said. "Did you play on a girls softball team?" Because the way she threw that wad of dollar bills onto my linoleum kitchen set, I thought I was sitting at the table with Babe Ruth! If I haven’t mentioned it earlier, Sheila kind of looks like Babe Ruth a little bit. She has short brown hair, is very muscular and quite tall. Little Geranium doesn’t take after Sheila, she’s much more West Virginian. We think she might start growing more of a neck soon. She does take after Sheila for height though. At nearly 3 years old, Geranium is 4 foot 2.
July must have been a bad month for Robbie. He didn’t call much. I began to think maybe he was saving his money for his brothers’ bail and not wasting it on calling home. We still received checks from him. It warmed our heart to see his concern for his brothers.
Bob and I couldn’t remember an August as hot as this one!
I have wonderful news for you all. Sheila and Bobby were married! Isn’t that wonderful? Of course Bobby and Robert were still in jail, awaiting bail. By then, it had been 11 weeks, and they were being regular troopers about it. They said they loved the food in jail, but that it didn’t compare to Poppy’s Mashed Potatoes and Dad’s Roast Pig. The ceremony was very small. We had to get special permission to allow both the preacher and Sheila in the cubicle across from Bobby for them to be married. The Preacher and Sheila kept fighting for the receiver to talk to Bobby on the other side of the glass. I wish I could have seen it. We were in the other room waiting to hear that it was over. It was sad that they couldn’t put the rings on each other.
By that time, we had gathered about $4000 towards the boys’ bail. The family was really pulling together. Robert was given a lawyer by the State. His name was Elmer Herman. Bob didn’t like him but I thought he was lovely! Robert’s trial was set for November 7th. Bobby was appointed a different lawyer, Maxwell Sprotchett. I didn’t take too well to Maxwell being Bobby’s lawyer, not with a car part for a last name! The last names on people these days! Can you deal? But Bob got a good feeling from him. Of course Bob is an auto buff. Bobby’s trial was set for December 2nd.
Speaking of Auto, I started to become more successful with my campaign to get rid of "Trailer Park" from the title of our Chestnut Crest neighborhood. Well, by that time we didn’t really have many friends left in Chestnut Crest because 50% of our offspring were in the custody of the state. But I quickly realized that I still had work to be done. Suddenly friends, I felt like Shirley MacLaine; called by God, led by angels. I decided to take my message to another auto community: Logan Heights. It was only a 3-mile walk down Route 7. I thought, if Shirley can trek across the deserts of Spain for two months, I could walk the three miles to Logan Heights instead of driving the forklift. I wish you could have seen me. There I was in my wide-brimmed leopard-print hat (the one I keep for special occasions), Piggly Wiggly bag in hand for a visual aid, on a Journey down Route 7 to Logan Heights Trailer Park. I meant well, I promise you. But what I didn’t take into consideration was where our Bobby stole that Airstream trailer from - Logan Heights.
A half our later, I was walking back down Route 7, my Piggly Wiggly visual aid torn nearly in half, clutched against my chest, and my wide-brimmed leopard print hat around my neck as a new piece of jewelry. Some hillbilly woman in a muumuu had stolen my designer look-alike Jackie O sunglasses.
Poppy began to get sick in the morning more often. Christopher had finished the laundry/nursery room with plenty of time before Poppy’s due date. It was really beautiful; I wish you could have seen it. Poppy picked the most gorgeous color of chartreuse for the walls. Words just can’t do it Justice. I told Christopher he should give up welding and become a carpenter. We didn’t see much of his family anymore. I guessed they were like the rest of the neighbors. I began to throw around the idea of perhaps another Trunkle family cookout to bring us all together again, clear up any loose ties that might be left hanging. I thought it best not to because Labor Day was coming up soon and Bob always throws a Chestnut Crest-wide Labor Day celebration that would rival the Kennedys’!
I began to worry about Robbie. The checks for his brothers stopped coming and so did his calls home. I decided to call him one day. When he picked up I immediately yelled "Idaho!!" I knew he’d be impressed that I remembered the Japanese he taught me. His speech was really slurred; I figured he must have been asleep. When I heard a woman in the background, I was so happy. I just knew Robbie had gotten a cleaning lady. Our Robbie, our youngest son, I knew was going to amount to something yet. He was already so removed from Chestnut Crest. Not even the Tacklesons had a cleaning lady.
Bob gave me the most beautiful garden gnome for my birthday to add to my collection of 637. I had 649 gnomes but 5 were stolen, 4 were beheaded when our dog Sire used them as chew toys, and 3 were run over when Rob misjudged the length of our gravel driveway while backing the forklift in on his way home from the Piggly Wiggly.
We certainly had a Labor Day for the record books that September! Bob and I bought so much food for the cookout and Poppy, god love her, she made three pans of her instant mashed potatoes. She must have been cooking all day long! But friends, I hate to say this, and I do hope that in your area things are different, but here in northern Minnesota, Labor Day apparently isn’t what it used to be. Out of the 45 families of Chestnut Crest invited to our Party, would you believe not one family had off from work? I couldn’t believe it! Perhaps I’m missing the purpose of Labor Day nowadays, as I don’t recall it ever being like this, but aren’t businesses supposed to be closed?
Well, with all that food, I couldn’t let it go to waste. Now I thought about maybe putting it in the back of Christopher’s company truck and driving it over to Logan Heights as sort of a peace offering, but I decided to take it to the prison instead. Our boys, bless their souls, 16 weeks behind bars and they were still as peppy and pleasant as they were the first week. We gave the food to the prison guard and told him to divide it up among the inmates, and give our boys a second helping if they wanted. Later that day, about 3 PM as we drove into Chestnut Crest, we noticed everybody was home from work. I remember thinking how nice it was of their businesses to let them go home early from work. I was so happy that Bob and Christopher’s workplace practiced the traditional Labor Day of yesteryear instead of this new age holiday routine.
Sheila began to drop off little Geranium quite often. I was thrilled. It was good practice to have a child around again, especially knowing little Pansy Butts was only weeks away. Poppy’s doctor told her to stay in bed for the rest of her pregnancy. With Christopher at work so often, I told her to come live with me so that if she needed anything, I could get it for her. And she did. I had my hands full, let me tell you. It was another hot month in Minnesota and with Poppy and Geranium under the same roof, my home began to feel like a greenhouse!
Robbie finally called us. He announced he was coming home for a few weeks on a holiday from the service at the beginning of October. The whole family was eagerly awaiting Robbie’s return to Chestnut Crest. He sounded different this time on the phone. His speech was slurred and slow again. I guessed it must have been from the strain on the tongue of learning a new language like Japanese. Lord knows it took all my strength to yell "Iowa!" into the phone!
Well, After 9 months, Robbie finally returned to Chestnut Crest in October. However, friends, he did not return alone. I’m very sorry to report that our son Robbie came back as a Buddhist with a Japanese wife and an alcohol problem. But let me tell you, he brought with him some amazing pictures of Yoko Ono’s birthplace! To be conceived AND born on the same grass tatami mat; it’s really an amazing culture the Japanese have. At first Bob and I were taken aback. Had I known we were getting company, I would have bought more Minute Rice. But Namiko is very nice. She has gorgeous long black hair. She’s really short. I’m talking so short that when she stands out in my yard amongst my gnomes, she blends right in. She’s not a big talker, but then neither is Robbie, so Bob and I felt that maybe there was a connection there that we just couldn’t see. It was very surprising, though. We were upset that he didn’t tell us he had met someone, let alone that he was getting married before he came home to the Auto Community. Robbie had not changed one bit since he left. He was still handsome as ever with his moustache, 6 eyebrow piercings, 7 earrings in each ear and a nose ring just like the bulls in Spain have! He always loved the bullfights; I was the one who told him he should get that one done. He brought us back a bottle of a Japanese wine he seemed to have grown quite fond of called Sake. We liked it.
By mid-October, we had raised over $7000 towards the boys’ bail. It was more money than we had ever seen in our lives. I could only dream of the appliances I could have gotten with that. I had been without a kitchen now for several months. Poppy sold her Frigidaire in June but at least she had a stove so I did all of the cooking at her house, and then the family would eat dinner at our place every night: Christopher and Poppy, Bob and I, sometimes Sheila and little Geranium, and for the beginning part of October, Robbie and Namiko. It was really lovely having the whole family together, minus the 50% of our offspring that were residing in the Tremblow County Maximum Security Prison. But it was only a 20-minute drive, so they weren’t that far away.
Bob sprained his ankle when he fell right through the roof while taking down the Christmas lights. He was a fast healer, though, and was back to work 3 days later, wearing a homemade ankle boot. We covered up the hole with a blue tarp.
Dear Friends, this past October was a very exciting month for the Trunkles. We had Robbie come home from Japan with a new religion, hobby, and wife, and then on the 16th of October, at 6:33 PM, Pansy Trunkle Butts was born into God’s beautiful world. She weighed 5 pounds, 6 ounces, had gorgeous grey eyes with a kind of a weird colored pupil and a head of light sandy blonde hair. I will say this, she does not have a Butts face nor a Butts-shaped head for that matter. She’s a Trunkle through and through.
Robert’s trial did not go so well in November. He was found guilty on both charges and sentenced to 10 years in the State Penitentiary in St. Paul. He’s up for parole in 4 years. We were all heartbroken. I didn’t tell him, because I know it would put him over the edge, but Harry’s Lube-n-Lunch just changed its name to The Bone’s Lube-n-Lust. Apparently the diner part of the business wasn’t thriving. The Bone bought Harry out and turned the restaurant into a trashy sex shop. Robert would not sleep well knowing that when he got out, there wouldn’t be a Tuna Melt waiting for him at Harry’s lunch. Not even for take-out.
I called Robbie and Namiko, and Robbie was upset. I could hear Namiko clinking glasses together in the background. I thought "Robbie has the right idea," and I fetched the bottle of Sake from the cupboard and poured my cares away.
Poppy and Christopher make such wonderful parents. I began to miss them not being here. But not a day goes by when I don’t take young Geranium over to Poppy’s place to play with pleasant Pansy. Poppy loves when I do that because it gives her a chance to rest.
I’m beside myself as I write this, dear friends. Bobby was sentenced to 4 years in the State Penitentiary without the possibility of parole. Sheila is devastated. And my poor Bobby will miss the important years of young Geranium’s life. When he gets out she’ll be 7 years old.
The home next to us went up for sale at the end of November and within two weeks, we got new neighbors. The Feltons. Now, I hate to be negative, especially at Christmas, but the Feltons are the biggest hillbillies I’ve ever seen. And when every other well-to-do family in Chestnut Crest owns a pickup and a station wagon, they have a 1984 El Camino. Their 3 daughters are named Ford, Saturn, and Pontiac. I find that tacky, to name your children after planets!
Bob’s mother, Roberta, is moving in with us after the New Year. She’s selling her home over in Crawford’s Canyon Auto Community and she’ll sleep on our pull out sofa for a while till we figure out where to put her. Bob and his mother just began talking again after a 2-year term of not speaking. Roberta accused Bob of stealing one of her afghans. She makes a new one every week. She’s very smart, her home did not have much insulation but with 8 years worth of afghans, the heat trapped inside from the summer kept the house warm all winter.
I give thanks this Christmas for being blessed with my health, my family’s health, my new and extended family both on this continent and in the Orient, and the little Asian-American baby on the way in Japan (Namiko’s pregnant, can you believe it?), pickup, station wagon, and a forklift. With all of that extra bail money we had saved up, I got new Astroturf for the lawn, I had the roof fixed (our heating bill was going through the roof!!), a few more garden gnomes to add to the collection, and a brand-new, kitchen filled with brand-new used Frigidaire appliances. And Poppy, dearest, if you’re reading this, turn your head now: I got her a brand-new used Frigidaire icebox!!
Merry Christmas from Maggie Trunkle and the Trunkle Family.

Golly

there are archives now
legit archives
lookie
to your right
see 'em?
handsome, aren't they?
3 whole months now
March
April
May

You need at least 3 months
to have made it
this is success kids
3 months worth of
crap
daily crap
meaningless shit
mindless banter

and it's all mine
isn't that wonderful?

Pausing on a Sunday...

Another Sunday morning post
Happy May!
Is May Day the 5th?
Or is today actually May Day?
May 1st
I hear the world will end
when Pay Day and May Day
collide.

So lately
I've been addicted
to Queer as Folk
season 4
This happens once a a year
when they release the next season
Only 1 more season to go
I'll be sad

Sharon Gless
she's fierce
where's her Emmy??

So my Lisa is home!!
Hi Lisa!
You darling, you!
she hasn't shown me a picture
of her new man yet
though she told me she would
and I'm not complaining
I'm just merely stating
that before this relationship
can thrive
it needs my approval.
I'm just saying.
Flowers in a tree, Lisa.
I'm just saying.

Mark Lehnowsky
you poop
answer your phone
I'm being the good friend here
I'm returning your phone call!
the least you could do
is leave a personal answering message
directed at me
"Hey, it's Mark, I'm not here. Oh, and A Big Shoutout to Mark,
my best friend of 17 years,
the first friend I met on my own
at Rainbow Hill"

That's all, Mark.

I need another vacation.
Switzerland, I think.
right Lauren?
some clean fresh swiss air
to cleanse the spirit and
rejuvenate the Keigels.
Think about it!
Switzerland
land of Rolex
Lindt and Sprungli chocolates
St. IVES!

I'm very excited
because tonight
my Rosie, whom I adore
and I'll say it
I think she's wonderful
she's real
and some people say she's fake
no, she's smart
I love her.
Big movie of hers on tonight
Riding the Bus With my Sister.
I hear she deserves and Emmy for it
Go Ro.
I TiVoed it

Where would I be without TiVo?
Dead, thats where.
A lost soul, that's what.

Why can't I have hair like Randy Harrison?
Blonde and straight and shiny
gorgeous.

My boudoir
is immaculate.
every last inch
has been dusted and polished
buffed and fluffed.

New frames for my art
my frog photographs
white frames
I downsized my shtuff
took out the schmaltz

It gleams.
windows open
get that fresh air in
it's not Swiss, but with the work
of a certain Henri Bendel Candle,
you can't tell the difference.

Someone please give me an occasion to wear
my brand new White cotton trousers.
They were made for me
fit me like a glove
and I never thought I'd say this
but Ralph Lauren.

Its been a long time since I've bought
a new sandal
and now the search is on.
I'm linking and you're voting.
it's coming soon.
I want to include you in my footwear decisions
that how interactive
this blog is.
I'm letting you call the shots
unless of course you call the wrong shot
- I'll just ignore your shot
and call my own.
I'll drink to that,
Oh, a SHOT!
Danzka, please.