can't breathe

Patti!

She's coming back to Broadway.

as Mrs. Lovett in Sweeney Todd.

I can't cope. Oh god oh god oh god.

www.broadway.com

hot damn

I was cleaning the basement today
well, sorting, really
categorizing my VOGUES and my GQs
year, month, you know
dewey decimal

boxes of shit
I forgot I had
I'm a collector, you see
nothing in particular
just anything
when I want to clean -
I get a box
and put anything I need out of my sight
in the box
and then the box
goes to the basement
shipping and receiving, if you will

so tonight box by box
threw away tons of shit
brochures, programs
unopened junk mail
college catalogs
army recruit mail

remember that?
senior year
every fucking day
sargeant whoever
voicemail after voicemail
and if you were unfortunate enough
to be home and pick up
holy shit
he tried to tell me theres a career
for moi
as an interior designer
in the United States Air Force.
what, Air Force One?

and let me guess -
you'll pay for school?

prick

so the marine bumper stickers
and the army lanyards
and the air force plate holder
and the navy squishy stress relieving seal
are getting burned
tomorrow at high noon

if it doesn't rain.

oh boy kids
the shit I found
hot damn!
the my fair lady lost set designs
thought I lost them
not like it matters
those designs never made the final cut
because we were shading bricks
for 4 weeks
where was the time for a wall of books
to be dropped from the heavens
to make the audience applaud?
hmmm?

what else
oh!! The Talented Mr. Ripley tape
that I knew I had
remember Lauren?
when you swore you would marry Jude Law?
and were on a quest
to see every movie he was in?
and I said I had The Talented Mr. Ripley
but couldn't find it
so you bought your own??
remember?
well

I found it.

I also found an old Issue of GQ
with our Jude on the cover
Lauren will threaten my life for it
won't you dear?
It was around the time of Cold Mountain.

Oh!! And now since I'm into reading -
I finished the Da Vinci code!!
- I found a book I bought 3 years ago
that I always wanted to read
so now, after Angels and Demons,
which is by the Da Vinci guy
I will be reading it
which is good, b/c the guy just wrote
another book
Jonathan Safran Foer
Everything is Illuminated

Is It? IS IT?

Oh what else what else
Porn
Lost porn too
forgot I had that porn
straight porn
you know where that is now?
in the box with the navy squishy seal

It was out of sequence too
like normally my porn
has it's designated hiding spot
(LIKE ABOVE THE CEILING TILES!)
but this porn was right by
the My Fair Lady program
and Everything is Illuminated
same box
who knew?

oh, porn
why is porn taboo?
I like porn, I'll say it
and everyone else does too
and they should say it
don't hide it
put it on your coffee table
let others partake in your porn
b/c your porn
should be everyone's porn

so if anyone wants a Playboy
from 1999, speak now
before it gets burned
b/c as you know
my porn is your porn
every porn is sacred

I mean, obviously
we're comfortable enough
to abbreviate the word
so whats the problem here?

I found my diploma
senior night program
incidently, that program
is in the same box
with the porn, seal, and bumper sticker

can you tell this box
was sooo right after I graduated?
and my room was a mess
and I needed change!!
I needed to get zen with it
so I dumped my drawers in a box
shipping and receiving

when you write like this
posts get LOOONG

I like Hayden Christensen
you know - Anakin Skywalker
and everyone says he's a bad actor
b/c they've only seen him in Star Wars
as if Star Wars was an avenue to showcase talent
whatever
watch Life as a House and then see who can act
the man is really brilliant
and absolutely gorgeous

and now theres a picture
of him in GQ
shirtless and covered in mud
oh god oh god
I can't cope

ok, time to end
well, wait
should I tell them?
ok, I'll tell them
I, not like you probably care -
I had ultrasounds today
Dr. Zorders
3 hours of ultrasounds
they took pictures of
EVERYTHING!
Christ!
and not even a bathroom break.
and I thought it would be easy
ok, I'm changing styles here, bear with me cause I decided I have a lot to say and this post will get like a mile long. Ok, so ultrasounds. Yes. Incidently, back to registration, back to Race for the Cure, I'm still singing. God help us. More on that later

Ok, so I figured, cause I wasn't quite sure, that it would be very laid back, you know, dim lighting, gown, warm jelly, that sort of thing. Turn and cough. wait, No, not that. I didn't know that it was patient participation day at Berwick Hospital Radiology. They had me breathing and holding, breathing and releasing, clench this, tighten that, stick that out, pull that in, get that out of the way, hold it, just a little longer, release, left foot on yellow, right head on orange. And then we started the positions. "Ok, turn on your side, no your other side, I need the left kidney, not the right one!" testy bitch. So to do that, I needed to balance my lower half in order not to tumble. so I have my leg bent kind of like a kick stand. Not good enough for Susan. "Straighten that leg out!" So you can see my Kidney better? well, I did what the bitch told me to do. so I feel myself going, I'm gonna fall flat on my face. And then "Deep breath and hold it" so I'm trying to balance myself while breathing and holding it. It was like Ultrasound Yoga. She ultrasounded my whole liver while I was in the downward facing dog position. My gall bladder from Salute the sun. I never was put through such a rigorous workout in my life. I'm sore.

Cause I know you all care so much about my medical excursions. Oh well, it's my blog.

and you'll be happy to know, this time:

I wore underwear.
.
.
.
.
.
But forgot pants.

oh merde.

Tinkles

Saffy
got lost last night
many times before
I've told her to
however
last night she did
truly
she was gone for 4 hours
we searched with flashlights
then my neighbor calls
lose something?
we let her out to go tinkles
and 4 minutes later
we went to retreive her
and she wouldn't come
turns out she crossed the road
shame!
and walked right into
my neighbors living room
his french doors were open

the bitch is back
she can bitch
she can bitch
better than you

habemus papam

What I find most exciting about the fact that we have a new pope, is the fact that while the white smoke was pouring, visibly out of the sisitine chapel's chimney, every news channel was saying "And more black smoke is now coming out, we don't have a pope yet, Honestly Jim, from down here it looks like black smoke." "You know Sally, I've seen tire fires and this certainly looks like a tire fire to me" On and on they went and then suddenly BELLS! lots of BELLS! and WHAM! Suddenly we're not color blind anymore.

I still say we need a black Pope. And I would call him Pope Tyrone I.

But instead we got Ratz. Well, he's 78. How long could it take, honestly?

moody bitch

Sometimes things happen that you just aren't prepared for. I got a voice mail message on my machine today from my Kelly at Regis, you know - the one with the Nissan Van that I watched get hit - and then she gave me a free cut and color??. Kelly said she was leaving Regis.

I nearly dropped my Edy's Frozen fruit pop.

She said she doesn't know where she's going, but that she'll be in touch.

Ok, I think I can deal with this. The pro to this is: if she moves to somwhere else, this means I no longer have to get my hair cut at the mall where I always run into people that I have to pretend to like (and occasionally, recognize). I really hate the mall, and if you ever see me there after 5pm, please tell me to leave, cause thats when it gets horrid.

If you ever meet me in public, I want to appologize right now b/c I am a moody bitch. No, it's true. If I'm rude, quiet, short, curt, ignorant - I really want to appologize b/c I don't mean to be. You've all seen Happy Mark and love him. Know thats hes there somewhere, he probably just didn't take his Librium and mood stabilizers that day.

Now like today for instance. I met my darling Jill at Mr. Zs. I was buying 8 cans of frozen lemonade for my granny and she was buying tomatoes. I don't question why she was buying tomatoes, she offered the short answer of "I'm making a salad for dinner" which I thought was darling. I explained I was also making dinner and proceeded to look into my shopping basket of which contained the following: 8 cans of frozen lemonade, 3 bags of frozen glazed carrots, and a copy of VOGUE. You can really make one hell of a dinner with that. Anyway, after that, and I hope she didn't really look into my basket b/c she would have thought: "Shit if I'm ever eatin at his house". Anyway, and I know theres a point here somewhere - oh yes, I was what you would call quiet with a side of curt. B/c you see, today I am under the weather and was called into work after calling off b/c it was getting so busy. So, needless to say I am now really under the weather. So I hope Jill, and I know she'll read this, does not think any less of me.

At least I can say I had a reason to be unsociable today. But in the future, there probably won't be a reason.

So what else? OH! Hey kids, I am into reading again!! B/c most of you know I really don't do it that often. But ooo! The Da Vinci Code. I feel terribly trendy but SHIT! That book is like cocaine kids! I'm gonna finish it tonight. I've never finished a book in 3 days before. I've never finished a book in 3 MONTHS before. But this shit is good, let me tell you.

Ok now there was an article in yesterdays Times Leader that really pissed me off. Talking about how in the area Pink is becoming trendy and they interviewed some boys talkin' about how they are like all into pink and pink is there color and their bike is pink and they wear pink and feel comfortable in pink and they're trendsetters and now they got their dad to wear pink. I'VE BEEN WEARING PINK FOR 7 FUCKING YEARS. And not "It's a girl!" pink here kids! Motherfuckin fuschia! Whatever. Where was I when they were interviewing people?? And I would NEVER! Have the nerve to pose for a picture of an article dealing with fashion in this area wearing Abercrombie and Fitch and HOLDING! Motherfucking HOLDING The Dolce and Gabanna shirt in my hand. He did. He wore a pink polo from a and f and held in one hand his dog with a pink collar and in the other, a long sleeved & by Dolce & Gabanna striped pink oxford on a hanger in the other.

Now, if that were me. Kelly would have been there to do my hair for the, what I will call "Photo Shoot" b/c it sounds a lot more posh than it really is. Dave Ashby would have been doing my photography. I would have been dressed in a silk Moschino tuxedo shirt in fuschia, holding Saffy in one hand, she would have been wearing a pink Kaballah string on one paw, and in my other hand, I would have been holding a pink statue of Buddha - carved out of wax. That would be my photo for the Times Leader. Oh, and I think I probably would have been wet - yes, Dave would have insisted it be done with me in a creek or stream or waterfall or something. Or he would have just poured an igloo of water over me. Ice water too. None of that room temperature crap. Thats a photo. Let me talk about how Pink is the new black.

Ok Campers, time for more Da Vinci code.

Dear Bit-Bit

One could say you have it hard. I mean, you live with Americas Pop Princess and her babys daddy. You have a shit-for-piss name and you're not that attractive. You are paraded around the country in god awful clothes and wretched Louis Vuitton handbag hotels. You are constantly in the public eye. Every terd you leave could possibly end up on the cover of US Weekly. You're barely 5 months old and you're already more famous than Liz Taylor's Sugar. Tinkerbell, who?

You have been the it-dog for months now. I saw you on Rodeo Drive, Madison Avenue, 5th Avenue, Wilshire, Sunset, Miami, Las Vegas, Boston. You are constantly exposed to temperature changes which is never good for our thin skin. I know, I'm from Northeastern Pennsylvania.

Now that bitch of yours went and got knocked up. She's carrying a Federletus in her womb. Where were you Bit Bit? You could have bit bit it off before he stuck it in her. You had your chance. I'm sure she keeps you in the room before, during, AND after. You blew it Bit Bit. You best enjoy these next 9 months of publicity, child. Once the Princess pops out the pea, you're finished. Washed up. You'll become Tinkerbell. At least Tinkerbell has a great "Where Are They Now?" - kidnapped, survived the cell phone scandal, barely escaped One Night in Paris (though if you look close enough, you can see her tail about 27 minutes into it). Thats a story Bit Bit.

You need to act fast. And for christ sakes do something other than just stare all day long. You do realize the press does not have a picture of you standing on your own feet yet, don't you? Bite the bitch, make her drop you. I guarantee it'll make the cover of People. "Pregnant Brit drops the Bit". Other dogs are talking and I won't tell you what they're saying. They're saying you're a paraplegic Bit Bit. And a bad dresser.

Make us proud in these next 9 months. Sleep around with every animal in Malibu. Become a slut, it's never too young. Make a ruckus before that child comes along, b/c then it's through. You'll be no more. She'll probably gas you or drown you. Go on Larry King. Start talking trash about the kid before it's born. Tell how the kid will be born with a bandana on its head and a dice tatoo on it's ass cheek. Do something.

I don't want to scare you Bit Bit. Trust me, I'm here for you. I think you ugly, but I'm here for you girl. Even though you're useless and pathetic.

Yours Truly
-Saffy.

more blog fodder

BuyABenz: I go through life now looking for something blog worthy

lizzi514: hahah thats fantastic

BuyABenz: and I'm ruthless

lizzi514: hahah

BuyABenz: I will stop at nothing for the sake of the blog

BuyABenz: like this conversation, could very well end up on the blog

lizzi514: which pleases me immesnly

Saffy

Oh yes, here she is. The bitch troll from hell. The satanic dog of fear. The irassible temptress of the devil, the slayer of beauty. The maniacal captor of cruelty. The hangman of horror. The sliver of fiendishness. And fan of M*A*S*H - Saffy, my chihuahua.

1991

Well, this is the first photo of many to come. Saffy, Mindy, Grease, some look backs to happier times, parties, dormlife - It's all ahead. But This is the first one I want to show to you. This is from 1991 at Wildwood New Jersey. My sister in the back of the log, me in the front, and my daddy in the middle. This is the last family vacation I would ever go on with my nuclear family. This picture was lost for 12 years in a drawer in my basement. I recently found it with other pictures that I had never seen before.

I do not have many pictures of my father, because he was always the one behind the camera. So to find a trove of pictures with him in it is very special to me.

I don't think I've ever showed any of you a picture of him before.

Oh and dad, I love ya, but I hope I don't get your hairline.

FIN

obsessed

with Murder She Wrote
with Aladdin
with HGTV
with Michael Buble
with felt tipped pens
with lime green sharpie markers
with POP-Sicles (orange cherry and grape)
with Sephora.com
with sandals
with fuschia
with Britcoms
with crackers
with obnoxious jewelry
with crystal light on-the-go
with clarins self tanner
with trompe l'oeil
with fleur de lis
with eau d'orange verte concentree
with To Be Continueds
with boxed sets
with yellow
with basil
with regatta
with fresh air
with Sue Henry on talk radio
with Ferde Grofe
with Sondheim
with fontana di trevi
with potted palms
with ostmanthus
with stripes

fin
.

oh, and we need a black pope.

In breif

My brothers and sisters in Blog-

While I'm waiting for this fabulous Clarins self tanner to dry, I thought I'd say hello to you all and assure you that I'm not dead, I've just been very busy.

So, Grease! is over, you'll see pictures soon, hold your horses.

I was a paintin' machine. And the kids were actually grateful this year and I got wonderful gift cards and 2 dozen roses. So, thank you NTE Children.

I got my hair cut and colored today and it looks fabulous, its just a lot darker and so I needed to tan so it looks ok with my skin tone. I am proud to announce that I have a hair stylist now. Oh yeah, shes all mine. Kelly. I've been faithful now for 8 months. Shes a doll and is the one who convinced me to start using a flat iron so of course, I could never cheat and go to someone else. God love her, some bitch hit her van in the parking lot and was driving away and luckily Kelly never shut up about her friggin van when she was buying it so I thought "Gee, gold Nissan van - KELLY!' and sure enough it was hers and I saw it happen and I got license plate numbers and the whole shebang and my dear Kelly gave me a free cut and color but I tipped her very well.

Hey, My blog is a month old today. Happy birthday blog.

I'm seeing Dirty Rotten Scoundrels tomorrow in NYC. Should be fun.

I bought Doogie Howser MD on DVD yesterday with my Wal Mart gift card given me by the NTE children. And I also bought Murder she Wrote season 1 b/c I love it.

Oh Angela Lansbury. I just love ya!